“seems like everybody’s trippin..” hopefully people will hop off my fucking dick about this shit now and maybe we can actually be FRIENDS. you know, publicly. consider this, SQUASHED. (:

I wish my parents could teach me some of these things. Or be more understanding to the things that I may be going through. Being old-school and old-fashioned kinda sadly means, a little bit more disconnected and un-empathetic. Not for all, but maybe in some cases.. I know they go through harder times than I do, but don’t totally dismiss the fact that I could be going through hard times too and I might need someone to be there for me. I don’t remain stoic in your times of distress. Whatever affects you guys affects me too.. And though I may come off a little selfish, I feel like sometimes it’s just because you never really showed any concern over how we felt.. Maybe we just wished to get a little sympathy. We work so hard to get the shit we want and to have been the people we are now, with the lack of much needed, or maybe not even needed, moral support. I wish you could be proud of what we’ve all become.. without you. I’m not trying to say you’ve never been there. It’s not even about not being there. It’s just about appreciation. I used to work hard to get good grades so I could show them off to you but it proved to be pointless. It was never anything big, it was just always “Satisfactory”. Like, what do I need to do to get your attention?

Maybe I do go out all the time. But don’t act like that shit really matters.. You don’t even talk to me when I’m home, sometimes even notice that I’m here at all..  Sometimes I wish we could just restart all this shit. Piece back the family portrait to what it should be, should’ve been… But you’ll still always see the rips and tears.
I guess this is where you just gotta accept things as they are, right? Not every family is the same. Just gotta work through your struggles and learn your situations.

I guess it’s just a nice feeling. To be wanted. Yeah. That’s it.

Sometimes I feel like that’s what you offer me sometimes, sometimes it’s enough, but other, it’s just not enough. Maybe just satisfactory, but I’m still looking for more.. I feel like I’m trying to stretch you sometimes just to get the best out of you and for me to think you’re enough, enough to suffice my needs.. But a hot pocket or a cup of noodles can never really be a dinner, lunch, or even breakfast kinda meal, unless “okay” is okay with you. I kinda want a “WOW” sometimes. I guess to put it simply.. sometimes it’s enough to keep me going, but other times it’s just totally unsatisfactory.. and I think about the long run and I feel like I’ll need more substance than that. Honestly, I’m just thinking about me this time. To be real..

On a different note.
It ain’t even about providing for me or being there for me this time .. don’t get shit twisted into thinking this is all superficial and all I’m looking for is the next best thing. I want something constant. I don’t wanna keep going on the “good bad bad good bad bad good days” however the fuck the pattern goes. If your moods are gonna change on me, at least be REASONABLE or just fucking tell me straight up. As much as you or I may think shit runs smoothly sometimes, I think that’s just where the phrase, “Ignorance is Bliss” comes along, because if you don’t mind something, it doesn’t matter.. at the time.

This time it’s about genuineness. Are you completely real with me? At the same time, I can’t say I’ve been. So however which way I or you wanna go about this, we’re just .. stuck. It’s screwed up. This little dysfunctional relationship of ours.. All it took was for you to take the first step and I seemed to follow suit. We both messed up. And I don’t know how or if it can be fixed. If  you or I wanna try to fix it. We don’t seem to be very happy. True to the core happy, I mean. I know there’s a sadness in both of us.. Because maybe we know things can’t be fixed, or maybe restored is the word. All the lost faith and trust and hope, not something easy to get back..

I really don’t know how to speak well on my behalf because it just wouldn’t sound well, sincere, or make sense in any way you try to say it. These things are things I wouldn’t say sorry for if committed, something I wouldn’t even wanna hear a sorry for. It just wouldn’t mean shit..

I don’t know exactly what I’m tryna get at or if my point was even made, but I’m feeling too hungry & conflicted right now to care. I wish this could be easier, but it goes to show that you should never underestimate life, because most of the time shit gets harder before it gets easier.

Seriously, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life. Nothing is the way I want it to be right now. I just need a total 360. I hate my job, I hate my relationship, I hate how I’m always lying, I hate how I’m feeling all the time. I’m not content with anything basically. I don’t know that I have anyone to talk to that would even understand me, when I don’t even fucking understand myself. Sometimes I reconsider If I still wanna stick around, because you don’t want better for yourself. I want someone who has the same potential drive that I have. I just want a break. To just sit there, with time passing or time paused to just let everything sink in. To think everything out. To figure shit out. To fucking breathe… I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore and it hurts me a lot because I know I am so much more than this but I’m holding myself back. What is it, fear? Maybe I should start thinking about what’s best for me and what I want to do and how I feel rather than how people would feel. It’s my life, and if I don’t do things for my own sake, what the fuck am I living it for then?

Maybe we both got shit confused, but damn, how the fuck do you come up with that? And then just cut me off without explanation like I’m supposed to just go with it. Re-phrase, like you think I’ma just go with it. You don’t know me. I guess I’m not too sure about you either. I don’t know if that was a joke or you were serious but I didn’t get it..

Why would you wanna hold my hand? That sounds pretty funny, but at the time I kinda took it offensively, maybe that’s part guilt and part confusion. Today I formed a new opinion just from a litttttttttle snippet of conversation I had with you earlier. Conversation that always gets cut short, because of what? Secrecy? Yeah, this thing isn’t so cute anymore. Hah. It’s borderline annoying. So maybe I wasn’t flat-out lying, I’m not here to judge you, I’m there to work & get paid. But that piece of information was muy bueno. Maybe you were as I thought in the beginning or as others perceive you to be, but as a friend that shit don’t matter to me cus I’m not looking to hook up with you. Whatever you choose to do every night is your shit. If you wanna smash a different person every so often, and you’re wanting to get to know me. Might as well just keep going cus I’m not with that shit. If your question was based upon actual fact, then damn I guess I was just too fucking jaded to form any better judgment. Or maybe I just fall for all the wrong types. But then again, people deserve a chance to show their true colors aside from what everyone else paints them to be..  I don’t know what it is or was. Maybe it’s just what you do. Charm.

But still, I wouldn’t hold your hand even if shit was different. To me, something so innocent and sweet shouldn’t be tarnished by something .. meaningless. That sounds harsh, but words are failing  to come to me at this point. I need to start reading again.

I may be on a  trip of my own today again. I could have shit all twisted, but it’s already been twisted. This ride just got a little weirder. I just wanna know WHY. Don’t tell me it’s cus you actually like me. I think I’ll just go on a fucking vacation then.

How disappointing though. I wonder if it was all a ploy to begin with. A facade. You got me, can’t even lie.  But now it’s a different story, seems like we’re on different levels. Got a different perspective now looking back on everything. Kinda makes sense if I’m right. I guess we won’t be chilling then. That shit kinda offended me too, what kind of a condition is that?

Haha, to be fair I’ll take this light-heartedly. Just for laughs. Hopefully you did the same, if not hey, my bad. I never promised or said anything I had to hold true to. What a fucking conscience eater. Another lesson to be learned.

Anyways, I shall be here again. That I know for sure..

I just feel so incomplete sometimes. Like there’s something I’m waiting for, or something I’m missing. I just can’t figure it out. I just wish my life was more – together – sometimes.. I don’t even know how to fix me when things just seem to come apart left to right..

I just hate it when people lead you into thinking that they like you, and all of a sudden you see them talking it up to another person and you’re like, “Damn..” and that person is even uglier than you are. JUST KIDDING, but foreal it’s like ..

.. OH WELL right? On to the next one. I got that single mind mentality when I’m not even single. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what holding you back, or maybe my vibes are wrong and you’re just not that into me. Maybe there’s just a buncha stuff in between the both of us that’s holding us back. But this isn’t even something I wanna even trip about or over-analyze too much on. I feel stupid just thinking about the possibility of an “us”. Because another truth is, the thought of you scares me. Not like literally, physically scared, but I just feel like I already know how you would turn out to be so I’d rather keep it all good and not try to push it any further.. yenno..

You just seem like something I wanna try.. hah. BUT I know that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. You should know that too.

What a conundrum. I know this story is to be continued..

Yeah, another one after a couple of months, but he’s not just any boy, he’s a good friend of mine(: And somewhere along the way, I guess you could say I started to fall for him. It was never my intention but maybe during our friendship, I knew something would happen. I don’t really know how to go about it. It’s even hard for me to like someone, so this is a feat in itself. He should be completely flattered, haha just kiddding. He redeemed himself in my eyes to be such a nice guy after all, not that he wasn’t nice in the first place. But now here I am, at square one again, hoping that maybe this time isn’t like the rest. I’m not even sure if I like him. What constitutes liking someone? Why do I always need a purpose for something? Why can’t I just do it? It doesn’t need over-analyzation, and explanations. It’s something that just happens and you just know. Well right now, I don’t know. And there’s no “yeee” feeling, as i told Chicken. Ha. I don’t know how he feels about it because he’s never told me he likes me, it’s pure assumptions, but my intuition is 95.999% of the time, RIGHT. ahahah, I guess. I mean what other sound reason could there be for a guy who hates going to school, let alone waking up or sleeping early for it, to actually wake up at 6 or 7 in the morning after 3 or 4 hours of sleep and drag his ass to school on time for 2 weeks just for one date. And he even made the bet up. That is what you call change, my friend. It makes me wonder, and he never answered my wonders. But I can’t tell a guy I like him when I have no idea how he feels about me. I guess I don’t like to take risks. Because history always seems to repeat itself and it never gets any better. I seem to have accumulated this streak of bad luck with boys. Seemingly nice guys all turned into complete assholes. I seriously really hope that this doesn’t take a turn for the worse because now I’d have more to lose than those other times. I guess we’ll see how this goes. I’d actually be alright if things didn’t work out relationship-wise, just AS LONG AS the friendship is still the same. In a way, at it really is, is that I’m just scared. I’ve always been scared but I never opened up to those feelings because I didn’t want it to be true. No one likes to be vulnerable.

Well, fingers crossed, here we go again.